This used to be a candy store, crossed my mind bitterly as I stood in front of the bar. The bouncer looked unusually eager to let me in, and once the warm amber glow enveloped me with a silent promise of intoxication to my heart’s content, it dawned on me why. I took my seat, left to the bar stool he was sitting on, quietly nursing his whiskey.
“Did not expect to see you here”
He hummed in response, pressing his lips together and curving them ever so slightly at their edges.
“So the bouncer is your wingman now?”
“Nephew, actually. Besides, twin owns the block. What did you expect?”
“Not you, for one”, I heard myself muttering as a bottle slid towards me with an indiscernible screech. A glass was acquired, a drink poured. It was that kind of day, which was quite literally every day. Anything my hands could reach here was a welcome distraction, including him.
But the primary goal was inebriation, and so I sipped on.
“What’s taking you so long?” he pressed, kicking the rest of his drink back at once. There was an impatience to him each time he asked this, and each time I would splutter a response that he smirked at, knowing that was quite far from the truth.
“You know I don’t remember these things by the time he kicks me out”
“You’re running out of time”
“Yes, I was made acutely aware before he left”
“But you’ve been close, so close for years. And I know, I know you’re not afraid.” He slipped from his stool to maneuver behind mine, his index finger trailing the round edges at the wooden top, always careful, always so determined not to provide the slightest of relief, not one feather-light touch. He reached his destination on my left and thieved the bottle from my grasp, fingertips never touching.
“I wouldn’t want you so much if you were.” He all but breathed at the back of my neck.
I begrudgingly appreciated being the subject of such a surgical seduction, each move calculated to leave you wanting more. This was second nature to him. That much was made evident each time he made an appearance. For some it was quite frequent. But for me, it was only occasional. Tease, helped my mind to itself, as he leisurely refilled his glass with whatever dreams the stolen bottle bore.
“I know who you’ve been hanging out with.”
“How do you know that?”
“Oh, I know these things.”
“You’ve spent quite some time with… trash that imitate me, haven’t you? It is very telling.” He sipped his drink, carving a vague gesture into thin air. “Are you that desperate? That you’ll settle for any old watered-down version of me, but never go after the real thing?”.
“I have been after the real thing. It’s not my fault you showed up here, where I was looking for this” I pointed at my drink, and continued “instead of that”, imitating his own gesture back to him.
“And then there’s your… writing”
“What about it?”
“Nothing… it’s just, flattering”
“If you know what I write then you must also know I’ve read extensively about breaking away from abusive relationships”
“You think I’m abusive?”
“No. No, I don’t”, left the truth before I could catch. It would be stretching the truth to call it “abandonment” much less “abuse”. But he already knew these things. I could of course, change course of the conversation, and so I did. There were things that he needed to be told. But these too, he probably already knew.
“I saw your sister the other day.”
“Which one?”
“Um, she was wearing this… red dress”
“That narrows it down”
A grin morphed on my face involuntarily, closely followed by a matching one on his if the mirror in front was to be counted on as trustworthy.
“Her name was Roso.., no no, sorry it was something with N. She was quite adamant that I stop waiting around for you and get with her instead”
“Would you?”
“It’s tempting”
“Twisted, is what it is. I can never… not if you… It’s gross!”
“Means to an end, either way”
“You know she isn’t going to stop with just you. It’s not going to be pleasant, to say the least”
Constantly rushing me towards him just to elude my grasp as if I were fire that burned was one thing. But the insinuation that there was a modicum of care spared towards me, was ambitious, to say the least. And that, I supposed, was the killing joke.
“Oh shut up!” left my lungs in a waterfall rush. “The moment I leave here you are going to disappear again. I can’t reach you. It’s impossible to reach you. Whichever number I dial, it’s one of your sisters who pick up. And they all hate me!”
“Well, they hate everybody”
“Shut up!”, the rushing water collided on the jagged stones patiently waiting at their fall, engulfing their rage with stoicism, making them not matter. “I am sick of it. I have… searched even. I heard you were in Europe, and I thought, maybe if I travelled, settled down somewhere for a good while where you were meant to be around. In the very least this.. this restlessness would just leave me alone. Maybe the scenery would do me good, maybe I’ll even forget you, for once. But I can’t do that on a hunch. I don’t have that kind of money. With my luck I’m pretty sure I’ll run into all of your sisters before I ever so much as see a glimpse of you. Maybe one of them can wear a red suit for once, yes, that would be a nice change of phase”
The water lapped at the shores, the almost silence replacing their momentum. Intoxication all but forgotten. It was a shame that my visit here was to be wasted, after all.
“I am here now.” He offered, reassuringly.
It was some offer indeed. It had been years since I saw him first, I was a teenager then, and he was as enticing then as he is now. But I aged worse than he did, and I had fared worse in that age for it. This elusiveness was an intoxication in itself, at first. But now, with time behind myself I could see it for what it was. This hunt for his obsidian touch was pointless. It would always be vermillion waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. This had to end.
And so I countered, “Then take me here.”, getting down from my seat, turning towards him, the fabric of our clothes almost brushing.
“What? I can’t do that. Not here” He bristled, coiling back, maintaining distance, intangible, as always.
“And why not? Don’t think I haven’t heard of your dalliances. That guy last month, ooh that was some story. People said he was really lucky. Why don’t you show me some of that?”
“Not now.”
“Then stop bitching about me taking my time”, boomed a voice I recognized to be mine.
“It’s not going to change anything. You taking your time.” came his solemn verdict, the ultimate pick-up line.
And I knew this. I had always known this. But I wondered if he knew it wasn’t that simple. The husks that held together my being were not enticing as him, but they were tangible, and more importantly, not vermillion. At least, not yet.
“Listen to me. If I look scared to you it is because I am. I’m not some immutable… god or whatever. The truth of my mind’s malleability has been a constant torture since… since… he left, and I truly can’t think of anything worse than forgetting wanting you this desperately. But I cannot go on like this when you’re nowhere I can reach. I cannot keep thinking of loopholes, trying to engineer my own personal doom. And if I can’t have you, then I will settle. I will settle for not belittling myself by going to one of your bloody sisters, who might not even finish the job just to spite me”
“This is it then”, he said, a hint of resignation in his voice.
“It has always been”, I replied, the very same in mine.
Dreams that you entertained while sleeping never trickled into reality. But the fog of wakefulness always contained the sour taste that trailed behind the disappointing ones. As I saw him walk back into darkness, I hoped, that when I wandered into that fog tomorrow morning, I would know. That I would remember that the deed was finally done.
“Morpheus, see her out…”, echoed through the darkness as I sat back down to finish my drink. The primary goal, would just have to suffice.